So Cute! And that's nothing but a compliment!

Up until recently I thought that I was too intelligent to fall for a straight guy. First off, I thought it was really rude to fall in love with someone who was straight because it could make the other person uncomfortable. Second off, if you aren't going to be able to date the person, why would you fall in love with them in the first place? It seems like an invalid waste of time to me. Boy was I wrong! Luckily I admitted that to myself too. My Gaydar was Wrong

Anyhow, here's the story. Tommy is an amazing individual who has owned his masculinity by being openly androgynous in a sense. He doesn't care what people think of his dress style or personality. It contains French V necks, yellow knitted sweaters bought in thrift shops, record players, and free hugs. He is just an extremely caring, intelligent, and sweet individual. His personality gave me inaccurate gay vibes for two reasons.

The first of those reasons is because I was setting my assumptions in stereotypical patterns. I figured no one could be this nice, this smart, and this sweet without being gay. Which brings a transparency to my shallow thinking patterns. The second reason being that I wanted him to be gay because that meant we could possibly date. When you want something that badly you begin to read books on non-verbal communication and use your brain's power of inaccurate confirmation bias to confirm everything you want to believe is true to be, well, true.

That means that when he would say hello to me, sit next to me, talk to me, look at me, tap me on my shoulder, talk about poetry mechanics, or Freudian's psychoanalysis, I  assumed that meant he was madly in love with me as an individual. But I wouldn't interpret my best friends' behaviors, which were similar to Tommy's, as them being madly in love with me. This was because I wanted Tommy to be gay and madly in love with me. And if I could make things up in a pseudo-schizophrenic wonderland, I would. And I did.

Do you see the firestorm happening here? As time went on, I made two options for myself. The first was that everything I was thinking was right and that Tommy was gay/bi. Or that secondly, I was an idiot for having a straight crush. That meant one of two things. A, he was keeping a huge secret away from the world and that our relationship had been formed on the basis of white lies or B, that I was again, stupid, inconsiderate, and rude for having a straight crush.

After two and a half months of fighting with myself over these details I decided to finally ask him, in person, what his sexual orientation was. And I discovered that he was in fact, straight, and that other people had asked him if he was gay before. He said that he just presents himself as androgynous. (Which is great because I don't think I could ever be that comfortable with myself because of my shallowness.) His answer left me with my only other option. I was stupid, rude, and inconsiderate. That led to more rumination that spiraled me into a mental break down. (No Tommy, none of this is because of you! It's just my silly brain doing what it's suppose to do.)

I got to thinking about it and I finally decided a number of things I did wrong and learned some things that I hope can help to change the world we live in. Never assume. It's a lesson that, in this case, had to be learned the hard way. Second off, don't set yourself up for failure. If you have a straight crush on someone, don't think that you are a terrible person. Because if you feel you are a terrible person for having a straight crush, then you are just admitting to the mindset which says that having a crush on someone of the same sex is a bad thing. Third, it's ok to ask someone their sexual orientation. If there is a fear that you might offend someone, then that means being queer is apparently a bad thing. And it isn't. (But unfortunately, you need to be careful. People get violent and kill over these matters.)

If I did anything right in this scenario, I was honest from the beginning. And even though it is a risk to both tell and ask about sexual orientation, it's something that shouldn't be a problem in the first place.

Tommy, thanks for not killing me. I know you never would want to, but there are people who would want to kill me for having a crush on them. Oh, and thanks for letting me touch your hair. It's very soft and you give good hugs. I could survive off Tommy hugs alone! And thank you Jana for letting me cry in your arms as I processed all of this information. Life would be much different if you weren't in it. And I really really mean it!

In memory of so many who have committed suicide and have been murdered in response to being nothing more but themselves.



Oh, and thanks to all the Veterans who fight for my right to say whatever the fuck I want to on my blog. And for fighting for my freedom to get married. Whether the veterans like it or not, they are the ones who are a huge part of making my life possible. Think, in other countries, I could be legally executed for my same sex attractions. That's different than murder. Luckily, that isn't the case here.